My youth has been punctuated by numerous misfortunes. From a young age, my excessive compliance and efforts to be good and get along with others, in hopes of being rewarded, made me easy prey for egotists, narcissists, and psychopaths.
Despite long-term psychological counseling, psychiatric medication and many other efforts, the continued misfortune overwhelmed me. We know it: unless the environment or my perspective changes, the same uncontrollable problems will recur.
Life can be brutally cruel to someone. Thus, I am reawakening the monster I had long confined within me. Not to seek happiness, but as an effort to at least not be unhappy
1. Quit Being the Nice Guy
There’s something known as the Nice Guy Syndrome. It’s the idea that men who are overly nice to women, hoping to be loved, end up being unpopular, undervalued, and taken advantage of. Being “nice” here means being altruistic.
Even in situations where I should prioritize myself, being altruistic leads to accumulating unrecognized issues within me. Playing the nice guy role, I unknowingly harbored expectations for recognition and good relationships, which, when unmet, led to great anger.
Hence, I am now trying to stop being the nice guy. The VVIP of my life is myself. I no longer offer kindness unasked, nor do I strive to communicate or get along needlessly.
2. Reawaken the Monster
My childhood was filled with violence and cruelty, an era dominated by violence and authority. Like many men, I was both a victim and a perpetrator of violence.
One day, I sealed away that violence within me and instead started playing the nice guy role.
I’m like a volcano. Seemingly calm, but inside with burning anger. Serving as a firefighter, facing life-and-death situations, made me more mature and strong. I began to control my anger.
However, bullying at work and numerous failures in my life (like in relationships) continually provoked the monster inside me. I realized I did not understand myself or the world properly, leading to depression and panic disorders.
This aggressiveness was a power, a persona to protect myself. Thus, I am reawakening this monster. Regular weight training is enhancing my physical strength, and I am embracing this guardian within.
3. Aim Not to Be Unhappy
I seem to have forgotten how to be happy. I’ve bound myself too long to places that give me unhappiness, frustration, and insult. The more we forcefully endure misery, the more we amass incredible aggression (perhaps anger) on the other side of the scale.
Many men suppress their own aggression. We know through socialization that this aggression is not refined and is unacceptable in society. Yet, the world is neither just nor peaceful. Rather, vile aggressors cause harm in more covert and unfair ways, and the more act like the nice guy, the more this vicious cycle repeats.
If you have muscular forearms, tough eyes, and gestures, no one will dare to mess with you. We should at least not be unhappy.
For those interested in exploring masculine aggression, I recommend the documentary “My Own Man” on Netflix and Youtube Clips by the Prof. Jordan Peterson.
Your anger and aggression are not bad. They are powers that protect you, only becoming problematic when you can’t manage them. You must grow and control that power.
Jake