In my previous post titled “Discovering Happiness: Letting Go of Everything, Yet Still Unhappy,” I shared my journey of eliminating negative elements in pursuit of happiness. However, despite removing everything that made me unhappy, I still find myself unable to attain happiness. Why is that?
The idea that eliminating negativity leads to happiness is an age-old theory that has been widely debated.
If we go back to the 1960s, Herzberg’s Two-Factor Theory comes to mind.
Also known as Herzberg’s motivation-hygiene theory or dual-factor theory, it argues that there are separate sets of mutually exclusive factors in the workplace that either cause job satisfaction or dissatisfaction. While the focus is primarily on job satisfaction, the key takeaway is that elements of satisfaction and dissatisfaction are mutually exclusive.
Then, there’s positive psychology.
Let’s imagine happiness as warm bathwater. You can prevent cold water from continually flowing in, but that won’t necessarily make the bathwater warm. Similarly, as a therapist, I’ve helped patients rid themselves of anger, anxiety, and sadness, expecting to find a happy patient afterward. Instead, I found an empty patient. (Seligman, Martin E. P., Flourish)
The main point here is that removing negatives brings you closer to zero, but it doesn’t necessarily propel you toward the positive.
Lastly, there’s dopamine
Dopamine has been gaining a lot of attention lately. According to the dopamine balance theory, the brain generates negative emotions to maintain balance, as much as it does positive emotions for enhancement. In other words, happiness and unhappiness, satisfaction and dissatisfaction, are two sides of the same coin. You can’t have one without the other. If pursuing joy brings pain, perhaps using pain to attain joy is the essence of the dopamine balance theory. Since pleasure itself brings pain, it’s about leveraging good pain to find joy.
What constitutes good pain? It’s sustainable, non-addictive, and contributes to mental and physical well-being. Examples include exercise, cold showers, studying, and maintaining daily routines.
In my quest to understand why I’m not happy, I’ve delved into various theories.
Ultimately, the conclusion is clear:
- Removing unhappiness doesn’t necessarily lead to happiness.
- Happiness requires good pain.
- Enduring pain brings meaning.
So, was my attempt to eliminate pain futile, impulsive action? I’d say not. Rather than eradicating pain entirely, it’s about transforming it into good, meaningful pain.
While finding good pain and embracing it is ideal, transitioning from current pain to new pain, due to the limitations of my physical and mental resources, is incredibly challenging.
The only meaningful pain I’ve found amidst all the pain I’ve removed is “exercise.” I haven’t found what I truly desire, what holds meaning for me. Tonight, the streets of Seoul shine brightly, as everyone races toward their goals. Yet, I haven’t discovered something worth enduring all the hardships for.
Now, I seek to uncover what I truly desire.
I regret not resolving these dilemmas during my student years, or at least in my late twenties. I even wonder what it would have been like if I had embarked on the journey of childbirth and parenting like so many others. Establishing a family, giving birth, and raising a child seem profound and meaningful to me, as they entail enduring all the difficulties for something greater.
I’ve undergone extensive psychological counseling, only to arrive at the somewhat disheartening conclusion: Find what you want and do it. However, no one tells you how to find it.
I yearn for a life of pursuing what I want, regardless of the hardships, rather than a life of fulfilling obligations and eradicating seeds of unhappiness.
Now, as I navigate through this maze of emotions and theories, I invite you to join me on this introspective journey. Have you experienced a similar quest for happiness? What are your thoughts on the theories discussed here? Perhaps you’ve discovered your own meaning in the pursuit of happiness. Your insights and experiences could shed light on new perspectives and paths forward.
Max